It's weird Hamlet was not a hamster


written by Leslie Gould

I put myself through elementary school by running a small hamster breeding business.  I fell into this line of work naturally when I purchased two hamsters, Daisy and Daffodil, who I was lead to believe were both females.  One day I saw them having intercourse and then I knew that Daisy was a male.  Shortly after said intercourse, we were blessed with the birth of two tiny baby hamsters.  I had my hands full at the time with some piranhas, frogs, stick bugs, and a cat, so I really wasn’t in a position to take on any more pets.  

I found two classmates to purchase the babies.  Even though my classmates could have bought the hamsters for about $5 each at Petland, I felt that $20 each was a much more desirable price point for me personally.  "My hamsters were hand raised and are very well socialized,” I told them as a means to justify my pricing.  “Mine also come with free delivery”, I panicked.  I was losing the sale.  Free delivery seemed to do the trick though and both classmates committed to the purchase.  

Now i just needed to figure out how to get the hamsters from my house in Castleridge, Calgary, to the neighbouring community of Falconridge.  Obviously it was as simple as tying a wagon to the back of my bike.  I lined it with a towel and hit the road with the hamsters running loose in the back.  By some stroke of luck both hamsters were delivered safely.  

I sold about 30 more hamsters using these same tactics before I moved on to bigger and better things, aka babysitting.  I was an excellent babysitter as well.  Just ask Barry, Michelle, Tim, Colleen, Anne or Rick.


written by JEN SUDERMANN in conjunction with CHRIS TAYLOR


Chris had a hamster, his name was Hammy and he lived in the basement. Chris loved his hamster and loved to feed him. Overtime Hammy became quite overweight. Hammy became so large that one day while going for a run, he got stuck in his maze and couldn’t get out. Chris doesn’t remember how much time passed before he found Hammy, still and cold. Chris noticed two things at the scene of the crime - 1) it was cold in his basement and 2) Hammy didn’t have any food left. Chris believes Hammy either froze or possibly starved to death…but he can’t be sure. Either way it was an epic tragedy of total hamster owner negligence. Chris doesn’t remember how long it had been since he had last checked on hammy - 1 or 2 days he thinks (one or two days?! that’s all it takes for a fat hamster to starve and/or freeze? for this reason he is pretty sure hammy froze…but then he recalls again that Hammy was low on pellets…so it’s a real mystery how hammy actually died).


written by SHANNON COWE

My hamster killed himself. His name was Cheeks and one night he chose to sleep under the dripping water dispenser and froze himself to death. Thanks for creating sneaky petey , I really needed to get that off my chest.